It has been a few weeks since I last wrote here.
I kept telling myself I would sit down and write something, even if it was small, but I just could not bring myself to do it. Not because I did not care, but because I have been in a season that I am still trying to understand myself.
At the beginning of this year, I had plans. Real plans. I was finally getting into a rhythm with my content, my blog, and Kavanah Mama as a whole. I felt like I was gaining momentum, like things were starting to make sense and move forward.
Then something happened that completely interrupted that flow.
And if I am being honest, my first reaction was not a spiritual one. I did not immediately feel peace or excitement. I just thought, “God, not again.”
It felt like I had just gotten back on track, and suddenly everything shifted. If you have ever experienced repeated interruptions in life, you will understand this feeling. It is that moment where you ask yourself, how many times do I have to start again?
That is exactly how it felt.
Already Trying to Find My Feet in Motherhood
Before this, I was already in a season that required a lot from me.
I am still raising very young kids, the youngest isn’t even year old yet, and if you are a mother, you know that in those early months, there is no fixed routine. You are adjusting, learning your child, trying to find a rhythm that works for both of you.
I was just starting to get there. Not perfectly, but I could see it forming.
So when everything changed, it honestly felt like I was being pushed back again. Like I was building something slowly, and then I had to pause and figure things out from the beginning.
That part was frustrating. I will not lie about that.
The Expectations I Had for This Year
I came into this year with a lot of expectation.
I wanted to grow Kavanah Mama. I wanted to be consistent. I wanted to create, to serve and to really move forward with what I believe God has placed on my heart.
I had the energy for it. I had the ideas. I had the desire to do more than I have done before.
I was ready.
So having to slow down when I felt ready to move has not been easy to accept.
What Slowing Down Is Teaching Me
This season has reminded me of something I already knew, but clearly needed to experience again in a deeper way.
God is still in control, even when my plans make sense.
I had prayed about my plans. I had committed them to Him. And because I did not feel resistance, I assumed everything would go the way I had imagined.
But I am learning that silence is not always approval.
God still has the final say over my life.
And even though that truth is comforting, it can also be difficult when it changes your direction.
Still, I keep coming back to this. God is a good Father. He does not make mistakes with our lives. Nothing we go through is random or wasted.
Even the seasons that feel like interruptions.
This season has been stretching my understanding of surrender in a very real way and I shared more about that in this post on Trusting God’s timing.
What God Has Been Reminding Me
There is one thing that has stayed with me in this time.
That He who began a good work will carry it to completion.
Not me trying to hold everything together. Not me forcing things to work.
Him.
And that means even when I feel like I have stopped, or slowed down, or even gone backwards, God has not stopped working.
I may not fully understand this season yet, but I am learning to trust Him again.
Learning to Hold Mixed Emotions
One thing I did not expect is how I could feel different things at the same time.
I can feel stretched and still feel grateful.
I can feel disappointed and still feel entrusted.
And I think that is something we do not talk about enough.
Sometimes, as women and as mothers, we feel like we have to choose one emotion. But the truth is, the heart can hold both.
And that is where I find myself right now.
If Your Plans Have Changed Too
If you are in a season where life is not going the way you planned, I just want to say this to you.
Pause.
Take a breath.
Go back to God, not with perfect words, but with honesty.
Talk to Him about how you feel. Thank Him, even if you are still trying to understand what He is doing.
Because at the end of the day, we can plan as much as we want, but our lives are still in His hands.
And that is not something to fear. It is something we can learn to trust.
What Surrender Looks Like for Me Right Now
Right now, surrender for me is simple, but not easy.
It is letting go of how I thought this year would look.
It is accepting that I may have to adjust, replan, and move differently than I expected.
It is reminding myself that even if it feels like I am starting again, I am not starting alone.
Because if I have God, then I have everything I need.
And He will finish what He started in me.
A Small Note Before I Go
I will share more in time.
But for now, I am just taking this season one day at a time, walking with God and learning to trust Him again.
